Date: 2012-10-11 04:59 am (UTC)
Oh my goodness, so much this.

I really struggled with the 'god's will' issue during my infertility and miscarriages. I walked right up to that mystery too, and nearly lost faith because I wanted so badly to believe that if I did xyz, the outcome would change to what I wanted it to be. Eventually, I realized that that line of thinking is essentially prosperity gospel and it is one of the greatest lies ever spread in the name of religion. I haven't railed about it much lately (certainly not in my personal journal, but I have in communities) but it still frustrates me to no end that so many people believe that if they pray hard enough or do x amount of volunteering or get baptized the right way that life will magically work out super-happy-fun-times. It took a great leap of faith for me to get to the point you got to - where you realize that life is just chaos, and we see a small part of it, and shit happens. Really, horribly awful stuff happens all the time. And really awfully beautiful stuff happens all the time, too.

But I think you put it best when you said God makes no sense to me. But I still believe. I'm right there with you. I don't get why bad stuff happens, and I don't think I ever will. I'm still kind of pissed about my miscarriages. And now, I'm mad about my layoff! :) But I think I've come to terms with the idea that shit just happens, life is a mystery, and God is there, behind it, somewhere, and I don't know what He's doing, or why, but it is what it is, and I'm going to just have to deal with that, and lean on Him like I would a friend, rather than leaning on him like I would a genie. But in the end, I really would like some serious explanations, or perhaps a view of the grand scheme. Because there is a lot of stuff that just sucks. This was the only song I ever ran across that really spoke to me about that stuff, when I was hurting so much:

Anyway- it pretty much says it better than I do :)
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